Ways To Pretend You Aren’t a Loser in Highschool.

I know that people like you and me will never truly NOT be losers, but there are some ways you can fake it. Use this in school and bump your loser status up at least 35%. I’ll update more tips on here as the days go on, cause there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll have new embarrassments that we can all learn from.

(These are in no particular order; if you’re cool enough to only need like, one tip, then feel free to scroll down to the one that pertains to you.)

* ALWAYS have gum! When you have gum at school, it’s insta-popularity. I know that popularity is definitely not what we should be striving for, but hey- if you can score a few points by spending a dollar I say go for it.
I had candy/gum in class with me once and I was popular for the whole class period, so.

* Have a book with you in EVERY class. When it’s partner time, and you know you have no friends in there, pretend to read. It sounds cheesy, but I’ve pulled it a few times before. No one wants to be that last kid standing there without a partner when the whole class is paired up, and NOBODY wants to be the kid who the teacher takes pity on and asks you to be their partner. So act like you didn’t even know you were supposed to be finding a partner. Just sit there happily in your own little world, and when everyone’s in groups and they’re all like “Dude, we were supposed to find partners,” just look around all bewildered-like and simply say “oh!” Then nobody knows you’re actually a friendless loser. (Like myself.)

I have no idea why those letters are huge, but I can’t make it go away… ^

Example time as to why I should have had my book with me. Against my better judgment, I’m going to share this story with you.  During class one day, my teacher says “Now everyone find a group of four for this next activity!” I thought I had it made because I was really good friends with a girl in that class! I’m thinkin’ “YAY-UH!” As I walked over to her she was already grouped up with a guy named Ryan, who apparently she is much better friends with. So much to my dismay, I was stuck in the  awkward position of having no one to go to. I decided to try and play it off all cool, which ended up being a terrible idea. I walked over confidently to another half-formed group and stated “So I’m in you guy’s group now! Whoot whoot!” The two girls looked at me like I was a freak and didn’t answer. Their eyes fell toward the other side of the room. I turned to where they were looking and there were two other girls bringing their desks across the room to finish the group of four. They had already planned it all out! So there I was acting like I was cool (which they totally knew I wasn’t,) when in reality I was just crashing their popularity party. Mrs. _________ came over to me and consolingly put her hand on my back and guided me over to a girl who also had no friends, and so the partnership began.
Moral of the story- read a lot, kids. Or at least fake it.

*Pick out a Justin Case for partner time.  There will be classes when you’ve got an odd number of friends in there with you. If you know without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll get one of them to be your partner, kudos to you. But if there’s any doubt in your mind that you’ll be the odd man out, it’s time to pick a Justin Case. Getting a Justin Case is pretty simple. Find someone who is always partner-less. Lean over to them and coolly say “Hey bro, if the time comes and neither of us have partners, you’ve got my back, right?” They’ll totally understand because after all, they’re a loser too.

*Have excess paper and pencils. There’s never a shortage of people who didn’t bring their paper and pencil. They’ll need someone to borrow from, and you’ll be a lifesaver!

*Subtly clear your throat when you know you’re going to be called on. (Examples include during roll call and your name is coming up, or when the class is taking turns reading aloud and you’re next.) I know I’m not the only one who has started reading and it comes out like a squeaky, dying cow. It happens to the best of us! Just take a moment to “eh-em” a few times before you get called on and start to talk, because once you’ve rattled and wheezed your name to the whole class, it’s out there and it’s never coming back.

*Have a locker mirror. Put bluntly, you look like a dork walking around with a huge lump in your ponytail. Get that taken care of.

*Have at least one friend.  If you don’t have one, then it’s time you made one! Contrary to my dad’s beliefs, you don’t make friends by “walking up to them, introducing yourself, and sayin’ ‘Hi! My name’s _______. What’s yours?'” That’s how my 2nd grade brother makes his friends. The best way to bond with someone is by bringing something up that you both like. But the question is, “I don’t know them, so how the heck am I supposed to know what they like?”  And the answer is clear! Cookies. We all like cookies. So if you ever find yourself in the position where there’s a table with free cookies, go ahead, get in line! When you see another person who is also in the free cookie line, you say something to the extent of, “Hey, you like cookies too! Man, this friendship was meant to be!!” At which point you will high-five each other and be gangsta homies fo’ life.

 *That joke probably isn’t as funny as you thought it would be. Don’t try to break the ice with a joke. I’ve done it before with a joke that I thought was hilarious, but I’m pretty sure that the person thought I had a serious condition. Let’s all talk about embarrassing.

*This joke isn’t as funny as you thought it’d be either. I was walking around with one of my friends, and she said something to the extent of “Oh yeah, that’s weird.” Now as you know, saying “your mom such-and-such” was really popular for a spell, so at impulse I said “Your mom’s weird.”
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“My mom’s dead,” she informed me.

*Awkward eye contact- ways to avoid it, and what to do if it happens. We’ve all been caught staring at somebody, whether accidentally or on purpose. We’re just zoning out, and the point of focus just happens to be somebody’s face. No big deal so far! But then the person looks up and sees you staring. You quickly turn away and act like it never happened. But then some unknown force of nature grabs you by the head and forces you to look back!I mean, we’ve gotta see if they’re still looking, right? It’s not like we really care too much- we were just doing it. But we’ve gotta know. Coincidentally, the other person is thinking the same thing, and before you know it you’re stuck. If this happens, you’ve GOT to break the cycle! QUIT LOOKING. It’ll be hard, but it has to be done. If you want to know how to avoid this, don’t come to school. There really is no other way. Sorry boutcha.