This is all about things I’ve done or said that are deserving of a facepalm. (That is, the act of putting your palm to your face to express embarrassment for yourself or someone else.) These confessions will go into my past, present, and might actually give you clues as to what dumb things I may do in the future. This is… “I can’t believe I did that…”
- I told a joke involving cancer to a girl who then proceeded to tell me that she had cancer and was going into surgery on Tuesday. (I’m honestly very ashamed.)
- I was at the chiropractor a while ago and a new guy was going to be a doctor there. This guy was super attractive and when he walked past, I said to my mom and sister (in my OUTSIDE voice,) “Dang, he is cu-ute! Too bad he’s not my doctor!” He had stopped right outside the door to collect some papers and heard every word.
- One time I wanted to try peeing in a urinal so I had my friend block the bathroom door for me. (If that’s not a sign of a fantastic friend I don’t know what is!) I peed all down my leg, and then to top it all off my youth pastor showed up and I couldn’t explain to him what the heck I was doing in there.
- It was after school hours and it was just me and my friend tooling around the halls waiting for our bus to get there. I started walking around all funky and doing this awkward hip-thrust thing down the hall cause friends do that kinda thing around each other. It makes us laugh. So I’m hip-thrusting and making strange faces, and my science teacher walks out right in front of me. She tried to play it off like she didn’t see, but we all know she did cause she looks at me really weird now.
- I got too confident in my bike riding abilities and tried to go off this ramp. I involuntarily french-kissed the ground it left dirt stains all down my face.
- I was at Holiday World and was waiting in line for this awesome water slide. I really had to pee, but I was so close to the top! So naturally, I looked for other options. The stairs have huge slats in them, and since water was dripping everywhere anyway, I figured I’d pee right there and no one would suspect a thing. I let it go and looked down… there was a lifeguard in line beneath me and I had peed on his head.
- When I was little, like 7 years old, I was super backwards and shy. I went to the doctors office for a checkup and and the doctor asked me “Asdfhnkrtehnsves?” I had no idea what he just said! So instead of asking him to repeat it, (cause heaven forbid I make contact with the guy,) I just started naming off all these random facts about myself, thinking that surely I’ll get the correct answer in there somewhere. “My name’s Ellie. I’m 7 years old. This is my mom…” Turns out he was just asking how I was doing. He got a lot more than he bargained for with that one.
- I had just made a new friend at Teen Camp (*choruses of “Congratulations, Ellie!”*) and we were walking around the camp ground. We were just making small talk and she said something like “Oh yeah. That’s so weird.” I immediately said “Your mom’s so weird! HAHAHA!”) She told me her mom was dead.
- We find me and my amigas in the men’s bathroom once again for this story. We were just chillin’ like villains in the dude’s room at the church picnic, and we found a pair of car keys in there. We took em’ out to the pastor so he could make an announcement so they could be returned.
He asked where we found them.
- For a geometry project we had to research kite designs and build one to fly for a grade. I thought it’d be pretty cool to think of my own design. I came up with this limp, cone-shaped thingy. The whole class insisted it would never fly, but I was so sure that it would! I made a few bets, and when kite-flying day came, it might as well have been nailed to the ground. Just my luck.
- Me and my best friend were in class and she sits in the front and I sit in the back. So, of course, we have to find an alternate way of communication other than talking. The teacher was at his desk in the back answering an e-mail. She was turned around and I was making all these crazy hand signals to her, telling an elaborate story. I was really going at it! She gets this look on her face and I’m thinking “What? What is it?” She cautiously raised her hand and pointed behind me. I turned around slowly, and the teacher was standing right behind me, arms crossed. Who even knows how the flip long he had been there. He reprimanded me for interrupting the class and my face got visibly redder, cause everyone laughed at my sudden appearance of a tomato.
- We were camping and I was looking ratchet. My little brother came up to me and put his hand on my knee and said consolingly, “Don’t
worry, Ellie. It doesn’t matter what you look like. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
- Me and my sister Emma do some pretty weird things, and among those things is that we sometimes tickle the back of each others’ necks… just cause it’s funny. I was on the bus riding to school (and already we know this can’t be good,) and Emma comes and sits in front of me as she always does. We get on moving down the road, and I reach my hand up and burrow my fingers down through her hair, and tickle the back of her neck. She kind of hunched down, all unsure-like. So, of course, I continued on. Then she turned around, and I see that it isn’t, in fact, Emma at all! It’s a girl named Emily who already thinks I’m weird, and I have just violated her in this strange way. She looked at me with this face of horror and whispered, “Wh- what are you doing??” But of course, I can’t leave bad enough alone, and I proceeded to say, “Eh, you know. That’s what friends are for.”
WHAT DID I MEAN, “That’s what friends are for.”??? THAT LITERALLY MEANT NOTHING IN THAT SITUATION.
- When I was little, like 3 or 4 years old, I went to the bathroom at my grandma’s house. So far, so good. I got all poised and ready, and then I ripped of my shirt like it was commonplace to do such a thing when you need to pee. I realized what I did, but instead of just putting the shirt back on, I lost it completely. I just bawled and bawled, because now I still need to pee and I’m no closer to going than I was before, and plus I don’t have a shirt on. I cried, “Mom, mommy, can you please come here? I need you so baaaaaaad!” She comes running in and asks, “What’s wrong, are you okay?….. Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” I explained to her that I was trying to go pee and I accidentally took it off. She paused for a second, and put my shirt back on me. Hm. What a simple fix.
- I was at my grandma’s house, and me and the sisters were gonna stay the night. Shower time rolled around, so I bee-bopped over to the shower and hopped on in. I saw a white container of some sort hanging around the shower head. “A soap dispenser,” I thought. (Because that seems logical, right?) There was a little spout like contraption on the bottom, and right above that there were two buttons, a plus sign and a minus sign. My thought process went something to the extent of, “Oh, so I guess you push the plus sign if you want a lot of shampoo, and the minus sign if you only want a little bit!” (Can we pretend that part was logical too?) So I pressed the plus sign, and… nothing happened. Hmmm. I pressed the minus sign. Again, nothing happened. I frantically began pushing the two buttons again and again like my life depended on it, but still nothing happened. “Maybe it’s jammed up.” I leaned in real close, until I was practically getting eye juice on the spout. All of a sudden, lemon-scented stuff sprayed out in my eye! I yelped and blindly tried to cover the spout while slipping all around the wet shower floor. But it rotated around and the lemon-scented stuff was spraying all around the shower! I tried to stop it, but to no avail. I cowered in the corner an let it run it’s course, which seemed like ages. Once it was all over, I approached the deadly machine and saw what I wish I would have seen at the beginning- a Scrubbing Bubbles logo.
* I loudly declared that my sternum was sore. Well, I thought I did, anyway. What I actually declared was, “My scrotum is sore!”
To be continued, as I’m sure there will be more in the future.